The Silence of the Untold and the Calmness of the Inevitable
Two days ago I appealed to my wife for the last time to help me save our marriage by going to counseling in lieu of getting a divorce. She informed me that too many hurtful things had been said to ever go back from our path now.
For me the hurt has been contained in not what was said but what was left unsaid. It lay in the breaking of our vows which she reiterated again and again that we were committed to taking care of each other as we grew old. It lay in the deceit and the concealment of her emotions to the point that I was totally surprised and devastated by her desire to leave, but most of all it lay in the fact that our 35 years together was not worth an expenditure of time and effort to save.
I still don’t understand for sure why this is happening to me and our marriage but I do now know the inevitability of it. Since knowing that I entered a state of sereneness for we can release what we truly cannot control.
I ask myself what have I learned from this experience? Perhaps that everything is in a state of change. I ask myself how long will the pain and sorrow last and have no answer. I am in uncharted territory. I ask myself how long does it take for the mind to release the automatic centering of her face in my mind everyday. I know that I have a lot of healing to do. But also know that, for me the healing lies in each letter I put on this page. It also lies in the searching for new meaning in my life. It also lies in the nurturing of the new, old and renewed friendships that without I really don’t think I could have survived. So, this experience is already showing me new growth in my soul by teaching me the value of friends. I have always been a searcher for my internal truth.
Since I will be alone at least for a while, I will dedicate a part of my life to travel. When I travel I love to experience new people. It is always so rewarding to befriend those that have a need I can help fulfill. Perhaps I can leave a part of myself here and there in beneficial ways by helping someone. Perhaps the stage has been set for me and it is a matter of surrendering to a commitment to take my soul to new heights in the un-numbered years of my life remaining to me. As always I will be thinking and writing.